Twenty-two years

Twenty-two years ago tonight I made a decision that has altered the trajectory of my life more than any other choice I have ever faced. I chose to move from a head knowledge of religious information to a relationship with God Himself. Rather than merely knowing about Jesus, I accepted an invitation to know him personally. I'm not sure if it's possible to quantify how different my life would have been had I chosen differently, but I'm glad I chose to take a step of faith.

Since that humid August night during the reign of mullets, I've kicked the tires of my faith quite a bit. I have wrestled with doing the right thing when the wrong thing was the greater short-term gain. I have dismantled and inspected my belief system in ways that seemed to defy good sense, considering my vocation. I've daydreamed of what life might be like if I walked away from faith. I've earned degrees in religion. I've publicly defended issues I've privately questioned. I have been given the ironic title of "elder" while in my twenties. I've seen role models crash and burn, not following the very directions they taught me. I've watched my faith morph as I changed from a boy, to a man, to a husband, to a dad. I've seen the love of God turn upended lives right side up. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've loved and despised being called "pastor", sometimes in the same moment. I've had my faith stretched beyond any possibility of returning to its previous size. I've watched a man die senseless death and felt his new widow sob "why, God?" on my shoulder. I've spent countless hours saying things about God and wondered if anyone would remember a sentence of it the next day. I've strummed wood and steel to sing about this Jesus that knows me so well, yet loves me so much.

All in all, it has been quite a ride. I'm not looking, but I know there are no better offers. Christ is the savior of my entire life, author of my best agenda, and healer of my deepest brokenness. Thumbing through twenty-two years of memories reminds me that a life of faith isn't necessarily easy, but "easy" rarely describes things that really matter.